“I need a new revelation of the conviction of the call and purpose you have placed on my heart.” is what I asked God the morning before…
A few days later…
To be honest, the only reason I haven’t bounced back from failure was because I wasn’t expecting anyone to applaud me for it. So my ultimatum was that: “I’m not doing it if no one is watching.” OR “No one is watching, therefore I cannot do it.”.
I expected to already have a popular fan base and clout, although I had not done anything to push for it. I kept thinking that what made me successful was the fan base I had or the people that are watching and applauding. My sense of confidence of my gifts and hustle were, for so long, derived from other people.
So the fear that I had with recovering from said failure was the fear of people’s opinions. Because it’s easier to fail and stay down- because you can validate it. You can make it appear as though you have failed by choice- prideful much?
Rather than,
Failing forward and getting back up. Because before you can get up, you need to take accountability for the low position you find yourself in. Taking accountability means, to some extent, acknowledging where you fall short and picking up the pieces from there- a daunting epitome.
I’d thought that because I am changing, the difference would be noticeable. Where there is a movement from Point A to B, there allows room for comparison of the position/ distance travelled to actually get to Point B from A. What pride does is that it over emphasizes the existence of point A (the starting point) which signifies a point of weakness and vulnerability
Rather than,
Humility is that which acknowledges that although you’ve started at the bottom the progress made in the movement that got you to point B is honorable, not shameful.
So, let’s just say this is my first incremental move towards point B.
I acknowledge that I cannot get from point A to Z instantaneously.
But, alas, progress is progress.
I’m grateful for another chance to grab the opportunity to move past the anxiety that was subdued to pride that kept me from realizing the vulnerability in realizing that I have been at point A for far too long…
Tsitsi
Xx
