I never fully knew what anxiety was. Before 2 years ago, this was nothing more than a word tossed in the air- with no resonance.
I’m not sure if it’s the pressure from university or the pressure that one places on oneself- to keep up with appearances. “People cannot see you struggling.” “I can’t afford to sleep- there’s so much to do.”
The result of these subconscious mantras- a mountain load of unaddressed toxic thinking that had been brushed under the rug- which now had no place but to seep through.
Many of us, when faced with immense pressure tend to adapt unhealthy coping mechanisms. Most of which are not intentional, but are a symptom of our inherent human instinct to adapt in order to survive- regardless of the quality of such livelihood.
Back to the mantras, that drove me full-steam ahead in the face of the challenges I had been facing
1) “People cannot see you struggling.”
This stemmed from the fear of what people thought of me. I managed to create this facade perfection and togetherness. So as you can imagine, it was always a battle to match my practical capacity with this ideal version of myself that I had created. It wasn’t until I was brought to a point, where a close friend of confronted me about this persona I was portraying. She called me out for it- but it came from a genuine place. I needed to hear it. And it made me realize that for so long I’ve been struggling with pride. It was tough to ask for help or grace from others. Because that kind of weakness would crumble the mask I’d been hiding behind. At the end of the day, I needed to resolve and accept that people will always have something to say. And I was not obligated to change that fact. It’s okay not to be okay sometimes. It is also okay to make decisions for yourself– even if it doesn’t result in an applause from people.
2) “I can’t afford to sleep- there’s so much to do.”
It’s so important to REST. I can’t express how important it is for you to SLEEP to rest and recuperate. Working hard by eliminating your hours of sleep tends to be counter-productive in the end. Your body needs rest, and concurrently, so does your mind. Sleep fuels brain power and it has to be an essential part of your day. Don’t let anxiety keep you from doing right by your body. My lack of sleep was a personal thing. You may struggle with appetite or addictive patterns.
I love God. And I believe He is good. And sometimes I felt so bad for claiming to have such faith but still once battling with fears and anxiety that cont. I think mental health is important to acknowledge from the onset. It is not a signal of weakness, but simply the signal for the need for grace. Throughout this process and tough time, God remained present and reminded me that no matter what my battle was, He is still in control.
He constantly drew me to the verse of:
Philippians 4:6
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Moreover, I would also like to emphasize on the necessity of seeing a specialist. For the longest time, I had a stigma about seeing a psychologist and was afraid that allowing myself to be vulnerable would send me backwards. But it did l almost just the opposite.
Problems don’t go away unless we confront them. Sometimes they are so complex and intertwined that it helps telling someone – more than anything, is helps you understand yourself and what’s going on in your mind.
You are never alone.
Tsitsi G
XXX
